To Hell in a Handbasket? Really??

I have often seen this bumper sticker:

"If you are not outraged, you are not paying attention" 

While I believe that there is a lot of truth in that statement, sometimes I think that we are paying TOO much attention, especially to events and situations that we have no control over!   It's one thing to be informed about the world in which we live and then it's quite another to be informed to the point of emotional, spiritual and physical exhaustion, which I am guilty of at times...

We live in an era where worldly information - both good and bad - is right at our fingertips!  A situation could be happening a half a world away in Cairo or Russia (or even across our own town) and we will know about it - complete with graphic details and pictures - within seconds!  Being a "self-diagnosed" highly sensitive person (HSP) I find that I really need to be careful about what information and images I allow into my psyche and into my heart because they will take up residence for a very long time causing my anxiety level to increase and my spirit to weaken.  It can sometimes be difficult for me to separate my psyche from the person or group of people that is/are suffering - whether it's a character in a novel I'm reading or in a movie that I'm watching, or it could be a fellow human being in a far away place that I will never meet or a very dear friend who is suffering in some way.  In any case, their story or situation can have a significant impact on me and I will want to help them, make their suffering stop, but often times I just can't and that's where it becomes personally disheartening and frustrating.  

Did you know that it's part of my "job" as Director of Music & Liturgy at my church to compose the General Intercessions (Prayers of the Faithful) for Mass each week?  While I am honored to have such an opportunity, can you imagine how difficult this is to do each and every week, especially when I feel like the prayers are not being answered?  I often feel that I can just "copy and paste" (sometimes I do) the same prayers I wrote the previous week because the world is still not at peace, starving people are still hungry, the sick are still suffering, the earth and her resources are still being mistreated...  then the Holy Spirit will wisely and quietly intervene and encourage me to take a step back and know that it's not up to me to take on all of the world's problems... and thank God that it's not!  All I can do is continue to write these intercessions, week after week, on behalf of my brothers and sisters who probably feel similarly to what I feel and want the same things for the world in which we live.

While we, as a human family, should continue to hope and pray for world peace or for an end to human suffering... perhaps we can tweak our prayer a little?  You know, I remember a homily given by our pastor once or twice and he suggested this very idea. Here's an example:  rather than praying for a terminally ill loved one to be healed (knowing deep inside that it's highly unlikely) perhaps our prayer should be that our loved one will be granted comfort in their suffering and given the grace to accept what is God's plan for them.  Is this hard?  Very!  Am I personally able do this?  I don't even want to answer that... so, I just continue to hope and pray*... 
  

Naively, or not, I think I'm sometimes guilty of viewing our world through "rose colored glasses" and I really do believe that the majority of the human race is innately empathetic (despite what the media leads us to believe) - or at least that is my hope!  I think that we, as empathetic beings, often times focus all of our attention and energy - spiritual, emotional and physical - on the horrible atrocities that are currently happening in far away places (and even in our own backyards)... being witness to such things on a regular basis can slowly wear down our human spirits.  We become sad, angry, hopeless, dangerously desensitized. We throw our hands up in the air, shake our heads in disbelief and maybe even give in to the notion that the world is, indeed, "going to hell in a handbasket" -  and it can be easy to do because so much of what we see can lead us to believe it is so.

When the events of the world become too mind-consuming and overwhelming for me, I try to focus on what's going on inside of my own heart and mind and pay close attention to how I react to what's going on around me -  these are the things that I have more control over.  You know how the airline attendants remind us to put on our own air masks before assisting others?  Well, perhaps if we can focus on our own sense of inner peace, striving to build a solid spiritual foundation for ourselves, then we can be of greater service to our world.  Sometimes it can be as simple as turning off the television, closing the newspaper and avoiding the negative stories and images that plague our laptops and cell phones... even if just for a day - just one day! 

THEN - as quickly as we possibly can - we need to go and focus on something, anything! that brings us joy and reminds us that there is goodness and sweetness - and plenty of it - still left in the world!  Find a small child to hug (preferably one that you already know!)... a warm wiggly puppy to cuddle... a newborn baby to smell (again, preferably one you already know!) ... a beautiful rose that is just beginning to open... a person opening a door for another... a genuine smile from a friend or even a stranger... a vineyard that is just beginning to show signs of Autumn... a playground full of happy, energetic, laughing children... a butterfly or a bumblebee dancing around the garden... a heartwarming picture or uplifting quote that your friend just posted on Facebook... do you get my point? 

We need to GO! SEEK! and find as many of life's joys that we possibly can... deposit them into our "joy accounts"... filling our accounts to overflowing! - so that when we encounter something negative or disheartening that aims to weaken our fragile spirits, we can go to our "joy account" and make a withdrawl... make two withdrawls!  But, first we need to remember that it's important to make deposits on a regular basis - after all, we are human and we do live in the world that we do.  So, we need to make it a point to regularly seek out and then experience something that truly makes our hearts smile...  something that allows our minds to know peace - even if just for a moment...  or something that will offer us a glimmer of hope for humanity - because it is possible, even on the dark days (I have them too!) when hope seems to be hiding, just let it be ... pray...  pray some more ... and then let it be. 

(*I use the word "pray/prayer/praying" but of course feel free to substitute words like "meditate", "discern" or whatever evokes a sense of connection with your higher power).

My Arm Is Tired!

It's been a couple of weeks since I last published something on this blog, even though I have started and saved a couple of drafts, I just didn't feel they were ready to be put "out there" yet ... 

However, lately, as my horoscope suggests...   Don't laugh, but - yes! - I do have a semi-serious interest in astrology and believe that there is something to it, and while I don't use my amateur studying of astrology to dictate my life's course, I do use it more as a reaffirmation of the course that I am already on... 

Anyway, as I was saying, my horoscope (Taurus ~ just in case you were wondering) has been suggesting that this is a good time for me to engage in creative pursuits, that "my planets are in alignment" and my creative window is wide open!   Ha ha!   How ironic!   I have been wanting to start some form of journal writing, though I didn't think it would be in the form of a public blog... but why not? Something new to try!    AND I have had some inspirations for new piano pieces brewing in the back of my mind for the past month or two and have been aching to sit at a piano, uninterrupted, and see what melodies come forth...  

Well, now that Simon is back in school, I am able to intentionally set aside some time to focus on these two creative outlets.  However, that means that I will not be taking any classes this semester at the Junior College or taking on any substitute teaching jobs.  Honestly, after the list of personal challenges that I have encountered the past year or two...  

~ divorce and bankruptcy and all that they encompass  
~ grieving of the passing of a couple of very dear friends in the spring  
~ the building up of and then letting go of a significant (to me) love relationship
  
and this is all in addition to my usual daily calling as a devoted, full time mother to my sweet Simon and Director of Music at my church... 

... well, it would seem that I have had several "pots on the stove" all simmering at the same time... though, thankfully, none really bubbled over! 


So, after spending several months stirring all of these "pots", this girl's poor arm is tired!  But I didn't realize just how tired I was until I spent some precious time in sessions with my spiritual director over the past several weeks.  Through personal prayer, gently guided contemplation and mindful listening to my inner-voice I have decided that it's time - and necessary - to ALLOW myself to turn off a few of the "burners" and put the lids back on the pots...  better yet, wash them and put them away!  And then give myself permission to intentionally take some time to adjust to my "new" life of sorts - reinventing myself while, at the same time, returning to my former self - the "Self" who poured her soul into writing and playing music in college, who took time to nurture her spirit, nurture her friendships, find pleasure in her many passions - or would it be finding her passion in her many pleasures?  Really, if nothing else, getting older has taught me - or rather - reminded me that life is finite... we only get one shot at this and we should try to make it good!  

So, for the time being, my primary focus will be on mothering my son, "working" at my day job at my church ... AND I will also be purposefully setting aside one day a week to be my "Sacred Day"- a day where I can write music, write for my blog, quietly enjoy a latte while reading a book, plan a much needed, but probably long overdue, visit with a friend...  basically allowing myself to do whatever it is that rejuvenates my spirit, brings me closer to my purpose for living in this life time - during these times - and among all who have been put on my life's path with me ... and if I encounter another chance at a love relationship along the way - even better!  After all, I believe that life's journey is too amazing to not want to share it with another person - the right person, right? 

Plastic Pianos and Silent Nights

Okay, so I created a blog...  now what?? 

I realize that  I am not obligated to write and publish my blogs on a specific schedule - after all I am not Carrie Bradshaw and I don't have a weekly "deadline" to meet at Vogue!  But lately I have found myself mentally "blogging" throughout the day, internally composing my thoughts about what is happening in the world around me and in my own life.  Those of you that know me well will not be surprised to learn that I tend to analyze and over-analyze everything under the sun!  (I can sense you are smiling and nodding your head in agreement!)  In the past year or so I have encountered some challenges and significant life changes, ones that I have had to analyze carefully, knowing that every decision I made would not only affect me, but my son as well. Thankfully, the changes have all been very positive and reaffirming even if I might have doubted myself - or my judgement - in the process...

However, despite the various challenges and changes I have encountered throughout my life, music has always been a constant ... a grounding presence... a saving grace of sorts!  My mom told me that when I was a baby she would turn on the KABL radio station at bedtime and I would be lulled to sleep with various 1970's easy listening and jazz standards like the Carpenters, Barbara Streisand, "Old Blue Eyes", etc.   Then while in grade school I remember eagerly participating in school concerts and Christmas programs.  I remember that sometimes during long car rides, after my brothers had fallen asleep, I would lean my head against the door and I would sing quietly to myself the songs I had learned.  And it wasn't until I was taking music courses at the SRJC that I discovered I had the ability to compose music - a whole new concept to me and one that influenced my decision to switch my major from Liberal Studies/Education to Music midway through my first semester at Sonoma State University.  But, my earliest recollection of how much music touched my life was in teaching myself to play the piano as a young child...

While growing up I was blessed to always have a piano in my home - my mother played a little, though primarily for her own enjoyment.  I was told that as a toddler I would stand at the piano, reach for and play the various keys.  Perhaps I was just innocently intrigued by the sounds coming from this large brown wooden thing taking up a large portion of my living room - a Kimball spinet piano - the instrument that would become a significant part of my young life - but, even as a toddler, it seemed that I was hooked!

 (this is not my piano, but something very similar to what I had while growing up)

One Christmas, when I was around 6 years old, Santa left a small plastic, battery-operated, toy piano under the Christmas tree for me - something similar to what is pictured here...

and if my 41-year old memory serves me well, I think that my "plastic piano" was orange on the bottom and had a keyboard of about two octaves (about 30 keys, including the black ones).  I don't recall mine having the rainbow keys, but I remember that it did come with sheet music that used some sort of number/color-coded system that corresponded with the color/number stickers on the keys.  I remember that it had a soft, airy "hum" that whirred while it was turned on and there seemed to be a slight delay in the sound that was produced by pushing any given key.  One of the first songs that I learned to play using this number/color code system was "Silent Night."  I remember learning it with my left hand and the tune started out "6-7-6-4" (si - i - lent night) ... and it has become my most cherished Christmas carol! 

I eventually learned to play the other "color-coded repertoire" that accompanied that little plastic piano and soon discovered that I could play those same tunes on the REAL piano after matching up the black and white key patterns. Or perhaps - the most logical reason - was that the batteries in my plastic piano finally died and I had no other choice but to play our "REAL" piano if I wanted to continue making music!  I honestly don't remember how I made the 'switch' but eventually that little plastic toy piano was retired, and to where I am not exactly sure?

I did not take piano lessons as a child, they were expensive and I was being raised by my amazing single-mother who worked full time and still struggled to keep the bills paid and food on the table. So, even though it was a slow process, I would basically sit at our piano, slowly learning and memorizing note by note, measure by measure, song by song, gradually building my skills and gaining confidence in my abilities.  

After giving it some thought, I wonder if I would be as passionate as I am about playing the piano - and music in general - if I was given the opportunity to take lessons?  I mean, if I was made to practice day after day, forced to perform in recitals and be subjected to the demands of a piano instructor - would I be where I am today musically?  In a way I am sort of grateful that I will never be able to find out!  Blessedly, I was allowed - if not altogether encouraged - to come to the piano on my own, exploring and discovering my instrument at my own pace and in my own way! 

I truly believe that if you can envision something in your mind, you can make it happen - even if it isn't your primary intention!  I say this because I remember (as a child) sitting at the piano in my living room sometimes and there would be one else around, but in my mind I was playing in front of an imaginary "audience"... You know how some children have imaginary friends?  Well, I had "imaginary audiences" and I would perform the same song over and over again for them.  So, in looking back at that time in my life, I find it rather amazing (or ironic?) that my "imaginary audience" has, in fact, become a church congregation that I am blessed to play for three to four times any given weekend - my childhood fantasy has become a reality of sorts!  And you can be certain that at every Christmas Mass I will be playing "Silent Night" during communion - it has become a personal tradition of mine - and thank God I do not have to play it on a small, battery-operated, plastic toy piano!!

Me? A "blogger"??

Every person has "a story to tell", don't they? ... Don't we? ... Don't I?? ... 

After giving it some thought and after receiving some positive encouragement from a few dear friends in my close circle I have decided that I am going to take a little leap of faith and, while wearing my heart on my sleeve where it usually resides, I am going to put on the fairly modern "hat" of a "blogger"!  Why not?  I wear, or have worn, many other "hats" in the forty one amazing trips I have been gifted to make around the sun.  My "hats" include, or have included, but are not limited to: human, female (woman), Christian, American citizen, Italian/German and 55 other varieties, daughter, granddaughter, sister/sister-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, Godmother, mother, friend, wife, girlfriend/lover, single-mother, musician, composer, writer, artist, teacher, student, latte lover (a.k.a. coffee snob), people-watcher, rose gardener, aspiring culinary goddess, and, from this moment forward (or until my blog disappears into the ever-growing abyss of "blogs gone by") ... *nervous sigh* ...  "blogger"!  

Every single person that has walked, is currently walking or will walk this earth is the author of their own story!  Some stories are sad, happy, long, short - some don't even make it passed the front cover!  Some stories start out happy and have a tragic ending... some may start out sad and turn into beautiful "happily ever afters"!  Some stories have yet to be written or may never be written... and some are constantly being rewritten!  And still others may decide to keep their stories deep inside their hearts and minds, sharing them with no one - all of which is perfectly fine... 

Then there are others - like myself - who feel it almost necessary to put their own story - or parts of it - out there for the world to read.  A truly personal, sometimes profound, but mostly human story filled with pages and pages of personal joys and triumphs, challenges and sorrows, countless questions and lessons learned, reassurances and doubts about the purpose of life, about God, about the universe and all that it contains!  Every day that we are alive we are penning our legacies... composing our songs... covering our canvases! 

My story (blog) will not take the shape of a published hardcover biography because I honestly don't think I have the stamina or patience for such an endeavor.  Thankfully, these days, an author doesn't have to wait months for their written material to be submitted, edited, published, distributed, sold and finally shared with the entire world - or at least with those who wish to read it!  This fairly recent world of blogging has provided us with an instant means of getting our story, our plans, ideas and schemes into the hands of all who wish to read it - and, honestly, that can be good or, sometimes, not so good...  

I decided to call my blog "Seasons & Moods", because isn't that what life is - a series of seasons and moods?  Honestly, I was hoping to call it "Moods & Seasons" - the same title I am giving my piano solo CD that I plan to create in the near future - but that title was already taken, so I reversed the words.  My blog will mostly be a personal journal of sorts that I am happy to share.  I don't expect everyone will want to read it, or agree with what I might say or share, and that's okay!  I can guarantee that it will be riddled with several grammatical errors and I am positive I will use oodles of "...'s" and far too many commas!    I don't have a degree in literature, creative writing, world politics or religion. I am only a woman, living in my small corner of the world, doing my best to live with a positive attitude towards life, humanity and the world in which we all share - yes, even when the world around us seems to be falling apart!  

If you wish to follow my blog and read what I choose to write, you will definitely gain a little more insight into who I am... into how I aim to view and try to live in the world around me... and get a sense of what topics and ideas I am most passionate about.  You might find yourself grinning at something I write, be inspired by a personal experience I share or - if you already know me really well - roll your eyes at one of my highly probable "soap box moments"... 

If you wish to make any comments, please be constructive and respectful as I would be the same to you. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to offer.    


The photo below is of me sporting my most authentic "new-author/blogger-inside-of-the-back-cover-photo-look" - taken this evening of August 14, 2014